Are You Abusive to Yourself?
Have you ALLOWED this behavior to occur?
Often we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to be treated. If we feel contempt for ourselves or think very little of ourselves, we may pick partners or significant others who reflect this image back to us.
BUT I'M A VICTIM! You say. BUT ARE YOU???? THINK AGAIN.
Because we allow it. You are giving up your power to another.
If you are one who likes to barrage another, or a recipient of constant verbal attacks, you may want to consider how you treat yourself.
What sorts of things do you say to yourself? Do thoughts such as “I’m stupid” or “I never do anything right” dominate your thinking? Learning to love and care for ourselves increases self-esteem and makes it more likely that we will have healthy, intimate relationships.
Typically self-esteem burns at both ends of this situation.
If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. I didn't. I devalued myself by allowing some of these things to continually repeat, even know I knew they weren't right, and hurtful.
It showed me that the lack of respect for MY needs were not taken into consideration, only the other was in an Ego state that made the inner struggles and need for me to be separate from the relationship to work on ME even more difficult.
What did that create? In seeking their "approval" and receiving only rebuttal as they consider only themselves and the void it will create in their life, I withdrew in a further state of confusion by staying. The tension that unfolded due to the unhappiness to do what I wanted to do, in an environment that kept me trapped that ultimately became toxic.
Consider these rights: (EXAMPLES TO FOLLOW)
The right to good will from the other. SINCERE good will. Not just words. Mean it from the heart, or do not wish it at all.
The right to emotional support. What do they need? Asking, vs. assuming your version of emotional support is what they need is a presumption. Communication is key.
The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
The right to distance yourself from the person to heal from issues you are still allowing into your presence. Without this support, and the guilt I allowed them to bestow upon me from them feeling rejected, not understanding that working on Self is a personal thing, can make the work on self a difficult one. An environment that is a place that gives you a feeling of intimidation, vulnerability, guilt and unsupportive negative energy is no place to heal.
The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view. And the respect of that opinion, without making fun of, cutting down or demeaning it.
- The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real. ***THIS IS IMPORTANT YOU DO NOT DEMEAN YOUR OWN VALUES AND BOUNDARIES***
- The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive. What is funny to one is usually a jab disguised as a joke. It is called being respectful and taking responsibility for the truth that YOU ARE NOT JUST JOKING.
- The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern ONLY what is legitimately your business. That means, if it doesn't concern you, let it go. Pursuing an answer to satisfy the Egos need, is disguised as caring or concern of another. It is anything but that. The motives are usually with agenda of being nosy, jealous and insecure. They feel they have a "right" to that respect. Just because you are in a relationship, does not automatically give you the assumption that the person is no longer an individual. Not every where they go, or what they do is REQUIRED to be communicated to you. If you call this a request "respect" you deserve, what it really is instead is a self-gratifying, jealous, insecure demand that will surely push that person away.
The right to live free from accusation and blame. Entrapment is is a way into accusing, which is deceitful. It is insecure presumptions that will cause total havock. The other person's defense is pointless - there is already judgment and assumptions there.
The right to live free from criticism and judgment. You choose whether it is Constructive Criticism or not. If so, own it. If not, nothing needs to be said.
The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect. ALWAYS. You are in a relationship, but are an individual, too. Your opinions do not matter unless asked for.
The right to encouragement. With sincerety, not because it will benefit you. Even if it is something that causes jealousy (which this is again an EGO state) be geniuinely HAPPY for the person - sarcasm has no place here. There's a difference...
- The right to live free from emotional and physical threat. Of your belongings, denying things that are everyday basic needs, or things they know you cannot do without. Physical attacks are another story, and just as bad. BUT, WHEN YOU ALLOW IT ONCE, YOU HAVE SET THE STAGE THAT WILL ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN THE FUTURE.
The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage. For voicing your stance, disagreement, opinions, you're allowed communication that is two way and agreements made together. When you have to fight to be heard, then experience rage from another, it is unhealthy.
The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered. It is demeaning and only devalues the person that believes threats are the way to achieve THEIR NEEDS.
If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, the outcome is that we end up treating others in negative ways as there is a constant battle to defend oneself. When it becomes too much and overwhelming, we start to believe that we are the things we are told, then end up treating ourselves similarly. Our goals, motivation to live and coping becomes unbearable. The guilt of what we allowed to happen to us is a much bigger hole to get out of than if it had not tolerated it in the first place.
STOP ALLOWING OTHERS TO STEAL YOUR POWER. NO ONE CAN AFFECT YOU IF YOU DON'T ALLOW IT.
PEACE!
