Underneath anger is always the wound of grief. Sadness is the undercurrent characterizing the life of the verbally abusive. Underneath the ugly words is a great deal of heartache. For men, in particular, it is much easier to stay with the surface emotion of anger -- to humiliate, point fingers, yell, curse and claim that another is the source of one’s righteous rage. The “fever” of anger manifesting in verbal abuse is fierce. It intends to harm the feelings and control the actions of those nearby. The wounds in ourselves.
“If we do not know how to transform and heal the wounds in ourselves, we are going to transmit them to our children and grandchildren.” -- Thich Nhat Hanh
"Good parenting” crafts an environment where a child feels safe and is able to develop “a more positive affective style.” This lessens the chance that she or he grows up to be an anxious adult. On the other hand, if a child’s daily environment is full of “uncontrollable threats,” then “the child’s brain will be altered, set to be less trusting and more vigilant.” When situations of stress are repeated often in a home, the amygdala – the part of the brain that signals danger – remains on high alert.
******* "… the more we ‘fly off the handle’ the more our children get the message that life is often an emergency. They build a brain that’s geared for self-protection, which makes the child more aggressive.”*******
Hence, the cycle of verbal abuse is primed to repeat itself. For adults who were raised by parents with amygdalas on high alert, childhood homes were characterized by yelling, name-calling, blaming, screaming – or worse. These adults grew up in homes where a chronic sense of conflict lurked around each corner, waiting to transform Jekyll into Hyde. A great deal of mindfulness is needed to bring healing to such wounds.
“The cost to my soul has been a numbness that I can hardly put in words,” I said. “I didn’t want them to become used to it. I didn’t want my daughters to think this was normal.” a verbal abuser doesn’t seek out intimacy in relationships; rather he or she seeks control.
Perhaps this control is sought because so much of the inner landscape of the verbal abuser is under lock and key. Their wounds are purposefully frozen, forgotten and pushed aside. If a verbal abuser lets go of his or her grip, the underlying anger and grief would feel unbearable. Yet, by bearing the “unbearable,” we make room for healing.
"I know he had a very troubled childhood,” she reflects. “But he never wanted to discuss it.” For nearly 13 years, I was blamed when he lost control. Once I had kids, the balance of power shifted, and his unwillingness to explore the roots of his own suffering suddenly came with a steep price. My story was twisted beyond explanation, and I was the accused.
Gratefully, not all verbal abusers are so intransigent. Many are willing to examine their anger, underlying sadness, patterns and past. I wished that had been the case. Certainly, all parents have said words in anger, and too often, “little ears” hear them. We then do our best to make amends, resolve differences with adults in private and put forth (once again) our best efforts to model emotional regulation for our children.
Here I found the courage to confront and transform a situation of deep suffering for the sake of my daughters.
In “Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids,” Susan Stiffelman writes: “That is what parenting does; it invites us to stretch beyond ourselves, move through resistance, and tap into inner resources we didn’t know we possessed.” I worked through, allowed myself to feel and integrate the anxiety, fear and guilt. We can make room for difficult feelings to move through the body and breathe with gentle acceptance. In doing so, the shadow energies dissipate, integrate and resolve.
Thich Nhat Hanh writes: “… when the mental formation that arises is negative, like anger or jealousy, we should go back to ourselves and embrace it tenderly, calming it with our mindful breathing, like a mother would soothe her feverish child.”
The “fever” of anger manifesting in verbal abuse is fierce. It intends to harm the feelings and control the actions of those nearby. Children who witness or experience verbal abuse are at risk. Consider the physiological overwhelming experiences my daughters 5 years of their father’s angry words sent shock waves through their being. Their lamygdala was immediately triggered to send out the stress hormones of fight, flight or freeze. I had become accustomed to living with the constant threat of conflict in my marriage.
I want something better for MY daughters. “I wish him well,” everyday, I said. “I wish him peace. I sincerely hope that this time spent in fatherhood eventually inspires him to untie the knots that block his true expression in this world.” I share this heartfelt LOVE.
