The pain I allowed myself to feel...horrible. But, it is important to recognize what it was so as on your path boundaries set and you can choose to block it from even entering your energy space...
More on the type of person I blamed...
To play the game, I had to believe that he was at least a bit superior to me. His ability to “control his emotions” made him feel more secure in the relationship. My demonstrations of a lack of emotional control fed his ego, drove the beast back inside of him, and ultimately kept me safer than acting like a sane person would have.
"The batterer is controlling; he insists on having the last word in arguments and decision-making,
he may control how the family's money is spent, and he may make rules for the victim about her movements and personal contacts,
such as forbidding her to use the telephone or to see certain friends. Or, make you feel guilty or pout because you dont want to be with him???
He is manipulative; he misleads people inside and outside of the family about his abusiveness, GREAT SALESMAN...
he twists arguments around to make other people feel at fault,
and he turns into a sweet, sensitive person for extended periods of time when he feels that it is in his best interest to do so.
His public image usually contrasts sharply with the private reality. He is entitled; he considers himself to have special rights and privileges not applicable to other family members.
He believes that his needs should be at the center of the family's agenda, and that everyone should focus on keeping him happy.
He usually believes that housework and childcare should be done for him, and that any contributions he makes to those efforts should earn him special appreciation and deference.
He is highly demanding.He is disrespectful; he considers his partner less competent, sensitive, and intelligent than he is, often treating her as though she were an inanimate object.
He communicates his sense of superiority around the house in various ways.
The unifying principle is his attitude of ownership. The batterer believes that once you are in a committed relationship with him, you belong to him.
This possessiveness in batterers is the reason why women are mentally broken down so much, and finally attempt to leave the relationship; a batterer does not believe that his partner has the right to end a relationship until he is ready to end it. So, he will stop at nothing to.make it EXTREMELY hard to do.
Because of the distorted perceptions that the abuser has of rights and responsibilities in relationships, he considers himself to be the victim. Acts of self-defense on the part of the battered woman or the children, or efforts they make to stand up for their rights, he defines as aggression against him.
He is often highly skilled at twisting his descriptions of events to create the convincing impression that he has been victimized.
He thus accumulates grievances over the course of the relationship to the same extent that the victim does, which can lead professionals to decide that the members of the couple "abuse each other" and that the relationship has been 'mutually hurtful."It seems that CONTROL is the goal. And so it is.
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