See Me For Who I Am IN THIS MOMENT. Can You???

I have been broken.

For 15 years, I slowly took on some characteristics and traits as a result, such as losing touch with my emotions, becoming anti-social, living in fear, living in survival mode, outbursts of anger, hating myself, and forgetting who I really am - losing touch with my true self. 

What I have allowed to affect me has changed me. Some for the better,  moreso for the worst. The time I've lost is immeasurable, and those who cared no longer do. Head nothing to do with me though. 

I spend each and every day in judgement by those people who want to keep me trapped in a past that has withered my soul.  

I JUST WANT TO MOVE ON. WORDS AND JUDGEMENT HURT. CHISEL ANOTHER CHUNK OF EVERY OUNCE OF WILL I HAVE TO KEEP MOVING FORWARD. 

NO ONE CAN JUDGEMENT ME BUT ME. SO LEAVE YOUR OPINION TO YOURSELF. 

Do you REALLY know what LOVE means? 

I mean,  truly? I do. I have finally understood it's true meaning at age 44. No thing nor no one should be sought out to provide your sole happiness, and for showing you what love is.

Happiness should be everywhere.  In you,  resonate from you. Same with love.

Loving self first,  and resonating to everyone and everything.  Not selective. It shouldn't be given then taken away. That's the ego. It knows not a damn thing. 

Love is everything and all things. Sometimes being human, we see egos that blind it.

Being human, others egos will hurt and break us down, if that's all you can see and feel.

Making assumptions and bringing up what people did wrong in their reality in the past, with constant reminders of "hope you don't do that again"  know what it did -  no good before, hope you  can stay whole, learned your lesson? Hope you get it together" .... how is that helping in a positive manner???? Your ego stepping in instead of your true self to acknowledge everyone had their own journey and what will WILL when is time

Loving and supporting...but cold.

I love you, but.....

That's not love. 

MAYBE FOR ONCE, STEP OUT IF EGO...STOP BRINGING UP WHAT I AM NOT TO DO, ALL THE THINGS I DID WRONG, AND SHOULDNT REPEAT. PERHAPS IF IT WASN'T A CONSTANT REMINDER, IT COULD BE LEFT IN THE PAST. YOU REMINDERS OF THOSE MISTAKES KEEPS THEM ALIVE IN THIS REALITY. 

THEY DIE TODAY...

Sometimes seems as though I've become a target for the hurt that's in their hearts - that really has nothing to do with me, but perhaps they see in me those flaws within themselves perhaps they've not come to terms with. 

All the ego  projections on me from those who say they love me has been too constant and so intense, that physically HAS broke me down... rendering me weak. Taking my energy, my  emotional state sensitive, sad and tired...I'm constantly defending myself and becoming exhausted from each and every scenario that I absorb in my mind and end up  at the end of every single day in tears.

It leaves me moving slow.  Breaks down my worth. My goal just knocked to the ground, that needs picked up again tomorrow and re-started....

 Makes all steps upward towards effort to BECOME WHO I REALLY AM, AWAY FROM MY ILLUSION PAST removed from under me,  as if I haven't done ANYTHING TOWARDS THAT GOAL.

I want others judgements,  perceptions, opinions and feelings of who they *think* I am based on what I've done/not done in the past via actions or words

DO NOT MATTER ANYMORE.

If I could ask those close to me that feel I have hurt or disappointed them in any way:

CAN YOU look at me today as if you know none of yesterday???

CAN YOU??????????????????????

I can see you.  Today.  In the present moment. All of you. In judgement, dissapointment, hatred, anger, hurt, fear. And your beautiful.

Nothing else should matter, BUT THIS VERY MOMENT. VERY SECOND. 

With this post, I manifest all that is positive, allowing nothing to affect my inner being today. All the challenges and obstacles to be faced with strength not fear. 

I choose Love.Joy.Happiness. WILL YOU, TOO?

Mantra for Moving Forward - DO EVERYTHING IN LOVE.

Everything In Time

Sometimes time is needed to bring clarity.

How CAN You Be Present?

When the people around you remind you  daily and keep in judgement of all you didn't do,
did do,
should have done,
could have done

Respect For Self

Long gone, since stupid me sought love outside myself which already existed. Unconditional love that never leaves from your children. How could I be so blind to know what I have and thinking I needed anything more than this??????

Now it's so far out of reach and I just want to die.

Emotional and Verbal Attack Damage to the Brain

It wasn’t that long ago that most neuroscientists thought we were born with most all of the neurons we’d ever have. While we might gain a few more during childhood, they believed that after that, all we could look forward to was the death of brain cells. Now we know differently. We are aware of neurogenesis, a process whereby new neurons are birthed in a part of the brain known as the hippocampus.

The hippocampus is part of the limbic system--also known as the "emotional brain." Why? Well, because it controls most of the involuntary aspects of emotional behavior that are related to survival. These include feelings that fall into the painful category such as fear and anger, as well as more pleasurable such as affection. Furthermore, the hippocampus is involved in the processes of learning and memory.

The fact that is such a thing as neurogenesis is the good news. But there is also some bad news to share if you are living in a toxic environment filled with your partner’s narcissism, addictions, and abuse.

I probably don’t have to tell you that when you’re living with a narcissistic man who engages in verbal abuse and emotional abuse regularly, that your life is stressful. You might also find yourself ridden with anxiety and feeling depressed as you strive to deal with all you face. We now know, through magnetic resonance imaging, that stress-related disorders such as recurrent depressive illness, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Cushing's disease are all associated with atrophy of the hippocampus. Furthermore, stress appears to decrease capacity for production of new neurons, too.

The hippocampus is involved with memory. While it participates in verbal memory, it plays a particularly important in the memory of "context," or the time and place of events that have a strong emotional bias. Memories associated with strong emotions--such as fear—are marked in such a way that the memory retains its vividness in a very persistent way. This is what happens in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

We typically associate PTSD with soldiers who have been in a combat zone. But women who’ve been in abusive relationships can suffer from PTSD as well. Like those former soldiers, they will often end up having brains that are hyper-vigilant, In other words, the brain is always scanning the environment for patterns similar to those in the memories associated with those strong emotions. This is the way this part of the brain is striving to ensure the individual’s survival. But it becomes overreact or responds to things that are not dangerous. The situation does not truly call for a fight or flight response that the brain ends up triggering.

You might believe that whatever it is that your senses take in, that the stimuli is first delivered to the part of your brain that is most rational. Then, once it is there, it is logically evaluated. As a result, the brain triggers a reasonable or appropriate reaction for the situation. In other words, you might consciously choose to engage in fight or flight behavior because your safety is threatened and this type of immediate action is required. Then again, if this rational part of the brain realizes that the pattern might have spelled danger in the past, but there is no imminent danger this time around, your body won’t react with the fight or flight reaction. However, it doesn’t always work this way. Instead, that more rational part of the brain is bypassed so that the automatic fight or flight reaction is triggered. Only after this has happened will the more rational part of the brain have an opportunity to decide, through conscious choice, what is a reaction truly appropriate to the situation.

Some have referred to this type of event, where the more primitive part of the brain is initially triggered versus the more rational part of the brain instead, as a hijacking of the brain. And in truth, this hijacking of the brain is most apt to occur in people who’ve experienced traumatic events in their lives. And remember, when you are being constantly abused by a narcissist spouse, you are ensuring ongoing trauma.

The trauma of the verbal abuse and the other forms of abuse you suffer may also result in cognitive impairment or memory problems. In fact, when I was married to an abusive narcissist and suffering the onslaught of his regular verbal abuse and emotional abuse, I know I suffered a decline in my cognitive abilities. I not only had more difficulty remembering things, but I also found it challenging to talk in complete sentences. Certainly, it was the worst around him. Was that because I was fearful of stating a complete idea because I knew he’d likely attack it as soon as I’d spoken it? Perhaps that had something to do with it. Nonetheless, I came to realize that this happened more often than just when I was with him. It came to occur when I was with caring friends, too.

I didn’t realize at the time that I was living in an environment that was resulting in the death of neurons and, of course, ensuring that new ones weren’t developed through the process of neurogenesis, either. Fortunately I did maintain enough cognitive functioning to realize that this was indeed a toxic environment in which to live and furthermore, things were probably going to continue to grow worse rather than better. I felt the environment was destroying my spirit and strangling my soul. I didn’t know to be concerned about the well-being of my brain. But then, we didn’t know about all this at that time, either.

Hopefully, you will be willing to acknowledge if you are living in an environment that is likely causing harm to your brain. This might not be a pleasant reality to have to face and accept. However, since many people won’t change until they’re awakened by something rather traumatic, perhaps realizing how you’re causing your brain to deteriorate just might be the wake-up call you need, don’t you imagine?

 The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship today. It has been designated one of the "Best Books of 2009" by theLibrary Journal.

THE TURNING POINT...

The verbal, psychological, and emotional abuse, control manipulation all my life, that I allowed myself to endure were bad. Really bad.

But the things I’ve allowed to change in my mind and heart because of it are horrid beyond words today...